Cringeworthy

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When Betty sleeps over, she sleeps in the room my mother and her older sister once slept in. Betty spends some part of the night and some part of the morning in Grandpop’s bedroom. She’d spend all night in Grandpop’s bedroom if he wasn’t such a snorer. One night, five years ago, I heard them trying to have sex. When they came downstairs the next morning, Grandpop said, “She’s my diamond. Sometimes I need to shine her up.” He laughed. Betty laughed, too; then said, “Sometimes he needs to shine me up.” Five years later, in the middle of the night, I don’t hear anything; but that doesn’t stop me from plugging my fingers with my ears by which I mean plugging my ears with my fingers whenever I have to use the upstairs bathroom in the middle of the night. That is to say if I plug my ears with my fingers or vice versa I only do it in the middle of the night. Have I not made myself clear? 

A doctor recently asked Grandpop how he managed to look so young. Grandpop’s reply? “Lots of sex.” 

From the looks of it, somebody at the brokerage firm is investing Grandpop’s money without his consent. Grandpop’s not in any hurry to get to the bottom of it. He’s rarely in any kind of hurry, unless it’s to reach the nearest toilet. 

When Betty climbs the stairs these days she pulls herself up by the railing—one hand after the other—as if she’s pulling on a rope. 

3 February 2007

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