PART IV - 10 MAY 2005 MICROCASSETTE RECORDING TRANSCRIPT

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RESUME PLAYBACK 

PATRON A
Lookit. 
Me? 
My point of view? 
We don’t need more...
consumerism. 
We don’t need more...
communism.

All we need... 
is… 
common...
sense. 

We’re this Always In Debt Society. 
Why? 

PATRON B 
Wh…? 
I… 

PATRON A
Because we so easily bore. 
We’re bored, our kids are bored. 
And, unlike the dog, we’re not content to fetch a tossed stick every thirty seconds. 

PATRON B 
No. 

PATRON A 
Then again, maybe if our spines allowed us, whenever the urge struck, to blow ourselves? Maybe it’d be a different world. 

PATRON B 
Um. 

PATRON A
Imagine a world in which sucking yourself off was as commonplace as sneezing. We all gotta service the urge. Yeah? Bad things happen when you don’t. But say you couldn’t sneeze in public. Say it was somehow illegal. But say you could — just for shits and giggles — say you could blow yourself in public. Without shame. Like it’d be no worse than farting loudly at a funeral service. No worse. Listen, listen: When you sneeze? You’re spreading germs at a hundred miles per hour. And, yeah, okay, sure, it takes longer to shoot your wad than it does to blast snot outta your nose. But think, think, think — imagine. Imagine: What the world would be like if, at any given moment — at a job interview, a business meeting, at a bus stop, aboard a train — you unzipped, whipped it out, bent all the way over...
and just… 
started… 
suckin’. 

PATRON B
Yeah. 
Um. 
I gotta…

[Sound of chair legs scraping
 against the floor.] 

PATRON A 
Hear me out. 
Hear me out. 
Here me out! 

PATRON B
Shhh — 

PATRON A 
[softer] 
Will ya hear me out? 
Will ya please?
Come on. 

Thank you. 

Now then. 

If we could satisfy, alleviate, quell, quell, maybe not quell, pacify, pacify the urge. Think just how civil society could be.

It’s a ridiculous notion. 
Of course it is. 
So what’s to do? 
What’s to do? 

PATRON B 
I… 

PATRON A
Buy a Playstation, 
buy an X-Box, 
more video games, 
more...
must-have...
Sharper Image...
doohickeys, 
more DVDs, 
more shoes, 
a new car, 
put in a swimming pool. 

We’re bored. 

Oh! I know: Let’s redo the kitchen! Never mind you’ll hire someone else to do the work. You won’t be bored. What with all the choices to make, how could you be bored? You couldn’t possibly be bored ‘cause you won’t have regular access to your kitchen. Instead of bored, you’ll be annoyed. Annoyed at all the racket your contractor makes; annoyed at the humongous mess they leave. You won’t be bored thanks to how many extra months it takes to finish the job. 

PATRON B 
I’m pretty handy. Actually. 

PATRON A 
I’m not saying you. 

PATRON B 
Oh. 

PATRON A
Not you, you. No.
 
But most people? Most folks? They’d rather be annoyed, even enraged, than be bored. It’s why free time means trouble for so many people. Most criminals, they go to jail not because they’re too busy holding down a job and raising a family. You don’t hear criminals saying, “I robbed the bank ‘cause I couldn’t make the mortgage payment,” or, “I carjacked the Escalade and sold it to a chop shop to raise money for my kid’s heart transplant.” No, they go to jail ‘cause, apparently, they had nothin’ better to do. Nobody sells drugs to pay off their college tuition. But they might sell drugs to buy a pair of Heelys. They might sell drugs to buy the latest model of the iPod. There’s nothing like a shuffle function to spice up your life. Eh? 

PATRON B
Eh. 

PAUSE PLAYBACK 

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