S T R E A M # 2

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April 7, 2008: The alligator ate the lollipop at seven twenty-three in the morning. He did not enjoy its taste. So he spit it out and ate a tuna fish instead. But he didn’t enjoy the tuna’s taste, either. It probably needed some mayo. That’s just a guess. What meat isn’t improved with a dab of mayo? A dab of mayo and a bit of grilling. Eh? Alas, these are pleasures an alligator — or, at least, your typical alligator — could never know of. Crocodiles are an altogether different matter somewhat entirely. Thus, or hence, mayonnaise and grilling are two benefits of being human. Like the word “moist,” mayo gets a bad rap. This is foolish. Moist cake is tasty. Dry cake is intolerable. Any dry turkey sandwich is improved with a dab or a smear of mayo. While a dab or a smear or a glob of, say, Grey Poupon is preferable to mayo, such is not always readily available. Mayo, on the other hand, is nearly as ubiquitous as simple tomato ketchup and basic yellow mustard. The sun goes down for a moment when I brush my teeth at night and haven’t a nightlight to squeeze onto my toothbrush. Tomorrow is my wedding day, of course. The brain tingles when I don’t preconceive what I’m going to write next — when I don’t organize the thought I’m forming on the fly. Apple butter tastes best when it’s on the shelf for a period of ten thousand crumpets. What is a crumpet? Isn’t it some kind of pastry? Perhaps not, but wouldn’t it be nice? Ah, yes, here: Glaze the crumpet (as one would a donut or, better yet, a doughnut), then it’s a pastry. Three words ago, and two sentences before, for reasons heretofore and henceforth unknown (but not unknowable), I had trouble spelling the word “pastry.” But I had to eat a tomato when the sun went down and the cold set in and I didn’t know how to go about cutting it up for the tiny ants that would arrive shortly because they are cowards during the day. The time at the tone will be eight thirty-four. Not today but last Saturday. That is, the time at the tone will be eight thirty-four last Saturday. The time at the moment is four thirty-eight. Are you going to eat those lollipops? They are going to rot your teeth. I don’t need them — my teeth, that is. So, are you going to see the big ape at the museum? Why or why not? You should. He might be shaved. Isn’t that a good reason to see him? How often do you see a shaved ape? Not often enough, I say. But what a cruel thing to do! I’m sitting up straighter. I’m not sure why. When I was writing about that ape, that shaved ape, that supposed shaved ape on display at that supposed museum, I started to sit up straighter. Both of my hands are on the keyboard but it seems I’m using my right more than my left. Or maybe it’s the other way around. The cow is ready to be milked. I REPEAT: The cow is ready to be milked. For butter. I miss butter. Not really. I’d like to miss butter. Not really. I think the tomato paste is ready to be administered to the patient. The dog won’t eat lollipops for fear that they might contain chocolate. But how would a dog know? Chocolate looks like shit unless it’s organized. So, how would a dog be able to tell the difference? I think I’ll go have a look-see at that ape. Ridiculous. I think the world would be better off with hats on rice patties* during the months of June, October, January, and July only. The rice would be appreciative, don’t you think? I’d be appreciative. Shelter from the sun, cover from the cold. (Or vice versa.) Assuming I was a bit of rice, that is. Would rice care about the world in a time when such stupidity runs rampant? But, I ask you, when HASN’T stupidity run rampant somewhere in the world? Eh? This is not what I should be doing with my can of tomato pasted lollipops in the summer months when the cows need milking. See, there I go again, trying to make sense of it all. I’ve got to let go of being coherent. The cow would like to see you now for the test on the sheep that would have to be conducted on the operating table in June. It’s 7:56 a.m. I need to finish up. Be a peach and wash those dishes in the apple sauce once you’ve eaten all the apples free of their peels on a picnic bench. Watch for splinters. Above all else, avoid over-tightening the screws. The wild is not a place for the licking of lollipops. I do not understand Charlton Heston. Did he honestly believe that Dr. King would approve of membership in the NRA? They say they need guns for self-preservation. Sure, I get it. I get the fear. I’d like to have the option of drawing on anybody who pisses me off or happens to be in my way or even knocks on my door without first making an appointment. For any one of those aforementioned reasons alone I should never, ever own a gun. We’d all be better off with sticks and stones. Imagine it: Armies with sticks and stones only. All of them. Better for the environment. Al Gore would agree. Not exactly realistic, though. What to do? The folks who brought you the Internet are working on a headset device that can translate the utterance of any foreign word into the preferred language of the wearer (of said headset).† This universal translator would save me the time of learning a new language. Until then, I really need to learn Spanish because Spanish is taking over. It’s a passive-aggressive take-over. In a way, it is. Maybe in your way it isn’t. But in my way, it is. Besides, how does your way matter in the present context? Do I seek your approval? What authority do you have over me? Hm? Eh? Ah. Yes. Well. Believe you me, I understand the power of silence. It annoys me only because I know how to swear in Spanish. Bear in mind unless it is your preference to bare in mind that these are the consequences of Greed: Outsourcing, Globalization, the hiring of illegal immigrants. Looks like I’ve reached the bottom. Actually, I’ve reached the top of the next page. Here’s hoping I’ve coherent things to write with indisputable coherence, elsewhere. Too many commas? Too few? What isn’t fashion? Mayhap Earth wears people like you’d wear a prom dress.

*[08/08/21: With respect to rice, I’ve just now learned that there is a difference between a “patty” and a “paddy.”] 

†[08/08/21: “Said headset” is an interesting combination. Wouldn’t you agree? Try saying it aloud. Now. Please? Thank you. Do it again. Pretty please? Good. You’re the best! Once more. Come on!]‡

‡[If you felt a tingle, try reading the entire post aloud. Consider committing it to memory. Feel free to tour with it at cafés that host “open mic nights” worldwide. It’ll give you an excuse to globetrot. You’re sure to make new friends and foes. Perhaps you’ll have a fling or two. You might even find your soulmate. First, you’ll have to find your soul.]§ 

§[Depending on the covid variant of the week, consider investing in a hazmat suit. I’m tellin’ ya, hazmat is the next big thing in fast fashion.]

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