Laundering Sorceress

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Wench!* 

It’s all your fault! Solely. YOU alone are to blame…

Why my stage-focus is now non-existent, why my entrances are all late, my cues dropped, my lines forgotten, my props left backstage, a million things…

You, wench, washed my costume; and now that it smells so good — now that I can’t stop sniffing at my Bounce scented sleeves — I can’t act!

Never before has a costume of mine felt so soft, smelt so clean!

Alas! This snags at my entire Method-esque approach. Wise men from the Dark Ages simply aren’t supposed to smell so… so fresh, nor appear so… so pristine. Worse: Now? I’m probably the most immaculate character on stage — possibly cleaner than the king himself!

It simply won’t do.

Not that you should pluck the costume from its hanger and sully it in the dirt of the nearby tot lot — NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I FORBID IT!!!!

I’ll just have to… 
as they say… 
in the “biz”… 
“Use it.” 
Yes.

Henceforth, I’ll have to be known as the Neat As A New Pin Wise Man.

Yes. 
From now on? 
Whilst in character? 
No one 
is permitted 
to 
touch me. 
I’ll pummel anyone who tries. 
Yes, 
I am the Arrogant, 
Neat As A New Pin / 
Maintain A Five Foot Perimeter of Space At All Times Wise Man.

It’s the only way, really. 
Really, it’s the only way.

Yes, YES: With every entrance? He’ll (switch to the third person and) walk on sniffing his garb in pompous delight! He’ll be so absorbed in the feel and smell of his robes that he’ll be forced to resist the nearly overwhelming urge to ignore everybody else on stage. At every cue, instead of replying with the correct line of dialogue, he’ll instead say, “Here, have you ever experienced such a wondrous odor? DON’T TOUCH. 
Just… 
from a distance… 
whiff.”

And then, upon catching the fetor of his fellow vassals, he’ll turn up his nose with such abrupt and haughty disdain that he might very well snap his own neck! (How’s that for suffering for one’s art? Eh? EH?)

My dear Mrs. Wench, you are hereby appointed as the “go-to” person for all of my laundering needs. I’ll stop by on Wednesday — and every Wednesday into perpetuity, until the Deadites take me — to drop off several soiled loads (of laundry).

But if nothing else, at the very least, and at the end of the day, it is my singular hope that Mr. Wench appreciates your laundering talents as much as I do.

Sincerely, 
A. FireVaney

[08/16/2004]

*[8/15/21: Back in 2004, the FireVaney was cast as the “Wise Man” in a staged spoof of the film, Army of Darkness. The stage production was called, Boomstick! A Musical Parody of Darkness. The “wench” in question was the producer-director’s wife. In sooth, FireVaney never actually referred to her as a “wench.”]




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