FireVaney

If she calls, that means it's on. And if it's on, I'm keeping the condoms in the car. And if I need them, my life will change. I'll have a girlfriend. One HELL of a girlfriend. That is, if it's on. It might not be on, though. She could forget to call. She's a busy gal. Lives moment-to-moment. My buddy says, “Mid-afternoon, send a text to remind her.” I'm thinking I will. And if it's on, I've got the condoms in the trunk. That, and the candle rose. Assuming it's on, to keep the condoms, even just one, in the wallet could jinx it, the whole thing. Especially if one falls out. It’d probably make her laugh, though. Definitely, it would make her laugh. But maybe not. Or, when I'm paying for dinner — again, assuming that it's on — or paying for the flick, or for mini-golf, or bowling, or bocce, or whatever we do, she might catch sight of the circular shape of it, the condom, pushing up from inside my wallet. Yeah, but she's the type to smir...

Hello.  [Wave.]  Question for you:  Are you happy with your hair?  Really happy?  Perfectly happy?  [Assuming silence, replies of “No,” or boos:]  Ah.  So you hate  your hair?  You  loathe,  detest,  or at least  disagree,  vehemently,  with it?  [Assuming applause and/or cheers:]  Well, in that case,  perhaps we’ll bond  over this next bit…  [ ALT. I: Assuming cheers, replies of “Yes,” and/or applause:]  So you’re happy  — completely happy — with your hair, huh? Mm? Eh?  What do you love  most  about  your hair?  [Repeat answer(s).]  Ah. Yes, I can see that.  [Lean in.]  Just between the two of us,  I envy your hair.  May I borrow it?  [Assuming “No.”]  Smart choice.  I might not give it back.  Would you please stand,  so that  everybody can  marvel  at your  exceptional...

08/10/16 : This is an opportunity. Take advantage of it. Why not? It will cost you a trip on the L-train. There and back. How much is that? Four dollars and fifty cents. True: It’ll cost more if you are assaulted. But assault is unlikely. Particularly in the middle of the day. Especially since the authorities are on “High Alert” following the most recent spate of assaults. None of which have occurred in the middle of the day. But consider: if you are assaulted, you’ll have something to write about. Assault —for the author — is an opportunity. (Assuming the author survives. Assuming no permanent brain damage.) What’s more, you have no pressing commitments. You can afford to take advantage of this opportunity. So… do so. Even if you aren’t assaulted, you’ll come away with something. And let’s be clear: What, at root, is it, i.e., this opportunity, after all? * From the moment you set foot outside you are confronted with the possibility of inspiration. Shouldn’t that be enough? Again, t...

APRIL 6, 2008 : This is not the time to stay dancing on the floor of the night ballroom of the Purple Hotel that I will miss because it is Purple and I will not have the time or the change to detonate a charge of indignation toward those who destroy things unique in this world. This is the time to change the time in the line of the aforementioned data stream but it will not happen because I am lazy and need to continue with this. I am not mad I am mad but I am not. For this is the time to remember that I will bleed the knowledge and the interesting case of the dog and the cat where it is not time saving my head feels strange. Now, when you eat, you’ve got to eat things that taste good. Otherwise, what’s the point? I understand you want to eat healthy food so you won’t get fat, but what can you do? You don’t have as much conscious control as you think. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m doing this to dispense with conscious control. I don’t want to quote pop-culture characters like Yoda. I...