FireVaney

Because of my kind of nose, most people can see the little hairs in it. Or, that’s my impression. To rid yourself of these filamentous undesirables, The Sharper Image offers a special kind of trimmer — spark plug shaped — for just such a task. Mine, purchased ten years ago, is the first version of this trimmer. And it only works so well. There are newer, somehow better models. But the purchase of the first one was embarrassing enough. Although, there’s always the possible on-line purchase. Then again, you’ve got to wonder whether the latest model is a true improvement on the original. (The hard way, I found out that Windows XP isn’t exactly an improvement on Windows 98.) So, when the trimmer currently in my possession doesn’t do the job, there’s my baby Swiss Army knife’s scissors. When that doesn’t work, the next hour’ll be spent in front of the mirror, two fingers pinching up my nose, yanking the little fuckers out. Sometimes, this is with the aid of tweezers. The most painful to ...

Nor, Crangon franciscorum… Mommy won’t try the shrimp. ‘Cause then, she can’t kiss step-daddy, who’s allergic to shrimp. This prompts mommy’s sonny-boy to squinch up his face and sigh irritably. Or, This prompts mommy’s sonny-boy to spear the biggest on his plate, push it into mommy’s face — as close as he can get — and say, “That’s the point .”

“One thing no one can take away from America is their superior junk food. I went to Taco Bell three times this trip, because I missed it (they used to have only one restaurant in London, and it closed years ago). Also, all these new soft drink variants have yet to make their way across the Atlantic: Vanilla Pepsi, Lime Coke, Remix Sprite, Baja Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew Code Red, etc. I tried them all. And all the candy bar variants: M-Azing, Almond Snickers, Pina Colada Almond Joy, and so on. I tried all those too.” “I don't think you appreciate how good you have it over there.” “I also drank root beer a lot, because I hadn't had it since the last time I went Stateside.” … “I'm back in London. Now I miss New York. What say you, me, Tom and Jay get an apartment in Greenwich Village together? If a fight breaks out, I'll take your side over theirs.” “I rented four Woody Allen films in the US that I hadn't seen; so no one can say my vacation was a waste.” … “Did you kn...

The FireVaney’s real-life expatriate pally-wally, Davey B., recently paid a visit to The Big Apple. Formerly from my neck of the woods, he’s now a Londoner. Some of what he had to say during and regarding the East Coast visit… “I'm glad you're reading ‘On the Road’. Coincidentally, I spent over twenty hours over several days this last week walking around Manhattan with my ‘The Beat Generation Guide to New York’ in my hand, checking out every Allen Ginsberg apartment, the place Kerouac wrote ‘On the Road’, the park where Lucian Carr killed David Kammerer, etc. Plus I saw the new film ‘The Life and Times of Allen Ginsberg’ last night in Greenwich Village. It's only a matter of time before I finally give in and buy that black turtleneck and beret.” … “This has been my only sustained experience of New York, I having only been here once for a week when a teenager, and from what I understand it's a country unto itself. (When I went to Atlantic City today, the ‘real’ America a...

- - ------------------------------------- “If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?” ------------------------------------- - -